Consent, Curiosity, and Communication: The Keys to Having Great Sex

by Bailey Borchardt, Planned Parenthood activist

Art: The Badger Herald

Pleasure is not one-size-fits-all. What is pleasurable to some isn’t pleasurable for others, and what makes for great sex is the ability to communicate what feels good. This is easier said than done, and certainly requires a strong sense of knowing what you like or what you’re curious about. Communicating sexual desires also requires an ability to say “to hell” with traditional gender roles and focus on what feels good, not the judgment you might face for what feels good.

I have this belief that the world would be a much better place if we were all more open sexually. By this I mean, if we fostered a society in which folks could explore the extent of their sexual pleasure beyond that of gender roles and expectations, this could have the potential to break down the issues that stem from toxic masculinity. Is sexual exploration the key to ending things like gun violence, domestic violence, homophobia, and transphobia? Not solely and not immediately, but it’s certainly a start.

Sexual exploration requires three things (let’s call them the Three Cs):

1. Consent; Getting your partner’s consent and vocalizing your own before trying anything new, and listening to your partner when they’re asking to stop,
2. Curiosity; Asking questions instead of making snap judgments that can cause your partner to feel shameful about their desires, and
3. Communication; Speaking up when you want to try something, and fostering a space in which your sex partner feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and desires.

These days a committed, monogamous relationship isn’t required to take a deeper dive into sexual exploration. This is where the Three C’s can help you to navigate what that exploration looks like, regardless of relationship status.

I was 14-years-old when I knew I was curious about BDSM. I kept finding myself being drawn to pornos that featured bondage and toed the line between pain and pleasure. It took me until I was with my third sex partner to feel comfortable enough in my curiosities to communicate them. Prior to opening up about this desire, I, like a lot of folks, was afraid of being judged. As it turned out, this particular person ran in many BDSM circles and was able to introduce me to what was the beginning of my sexual awakening. Mind you, this wasn’t someone I was in a monogamous relationship with, but they were someone that I felt comfortable opening up to and being vulnerable with. I’d say I lucked out, but had I not taken the step to open up about where I was in my sexual exploration journey, I wouldn’t have had the confidence that I have today to not only express my own desires but to initiate the conversation about others’ desires with them.

Recently, in the depths of a post-coital discussion about each others’ sexual desires and fantasies, a phrase uttered by a sex partner struck me: “I’ve never felt open enough with any of my sex partners to share this.” In his 30 years of life, the social construct of gender roles had prevented him from exploring the boundaries of his pleasure because of what had been called “gay” by his sex partners, all of whom had been women. The expectation of masculinity is that sex be an act of power and conquest. This is, of course, a result of patriarchal systems that are enforced by social stigmas and shame. What kind of pleasure could be achieved if the fear of judgment were removed and we were free to communicate our desires?

There are so many ways to communicate sexual desires to the person you’re having sex with. This can involve being forthright with it: “I’d like to be tied up and blindfolded, would you be open to trying this with me?” If you’re a bit more on the shy side and perhaps need examples to back you up, try watching a porno with your partner that showcases an act you’re curious about trying. Follow this with, “This is something I’m interested in trying, what do you think?” Better yet, you can introduce your curiosities as part of your pillow talk: “I want you to stick your finger up my butt.” Just as you would want your partner to be receptive to your desires, make sure you remain curious when they’re sharing their own. It’s perfectly okay to not want to try something, but that doesn’t mean you have to shame someone for wanting to.

I’m not saying that the Three C’s are the end all be all of the radical societal transformations we’re so desperately in need of, but they are fundamental to taking the first step towards exploring the extent of pleasure. If anything else, they’ll help you to have some of the best sex of your life, whatever that means for you.